your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
