he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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