They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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