Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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