How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
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I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
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Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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