why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
