Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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