Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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