You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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