1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
