Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize