New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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