Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
