had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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