i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
