Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
