So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Let's get the cat blown out
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
