In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
