When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sex in the backyard? Check.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
