I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
