margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
