im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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