My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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