Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
one two three fourrrrnication!
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
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