look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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