My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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