my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
