First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
