So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
