happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
