It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
