Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
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