Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
