i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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