Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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