Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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