The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
