I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Randomize
