she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Are my feet made of real feet?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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