I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
