We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
