I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
