Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
