I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
sarcasm needs its own font
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
