Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Just invented taco cereal.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
