I can text with my tongue
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
