In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
