i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
