i wish starbucks made bloody marys
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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