Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
