You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
