last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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