I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
