O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
