OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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