maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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