All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize