i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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